Owning dogs is a grand adventure and often I’ve lamented that I miss not having kids in addition to my four giant dogs (well, three and a hobbit…). Then I started to think about why I’d be crazy for wanting to add kids into my life and that led to this;
1. Dogs are always happy to see you. No faces being picked up at school. No crying baby at 2am. Happy, happy and happy! I love consistency.
2. Dogs only require one cleanup if there’s an accident of the industrial sludge variety. It smells no better BUT the dump site is my only concern (and not the source of the deposit).
3. Dogs are much cheaper on birthdays.
4. Dogs eat their meals with no negotiation required, nor do they complain about what they’re served.
5. Dogs can be put in their kennels and we can go out to run errands for several hours at a stint – they call child protective services on you if you try that with your human kids!
6. Dogs only require a bath every couple of months.
7. Dogs can be occupied for an hour with a busy bone (peanut butter inside a calcium bone). With kids, you could usually only get about 5-8 minutes worth of attention for any treat (cookie, ice cream, etc.).
8. Dogs are easier to find – they have collars with tags on them, rattling to signal where they are; kids are usually not wearing bells and they enjoy hiding in cupboards and closets.
9. Dogs do NOT go to school.
10. Dogs never cause concern in us about their futures – they just eat, sleep, go, play – repeat.
11. Dogs are easily amused.
12. Dogs are encouraged to play fight and we gleefully cheer for one or the other like watching a boxing match. Again with the child protective services call – if you pit your kids against one another, they take away your birthday for that kind of stuff.
13. Dogs make us uncontrollably laugh when they have the ‘zoomies’ (frantic running around as fast as possible, pulling 360s and truly enjoying life). When kids do the same thing, the cry of “Stop that – right now” isn’t far behind.
14. Dogs make us belly laugh when they sit on each other. Kids just frustrate you when they do it.
15. Dogs can’t lie – if they eat our banana from the counter, they will turn away looking guilty.
16. Dogs are delighted with toys that we throw for them. Kids usually require toys costing $300+ and they get tired of them in a week.
17. Dogs can stick their heads out of the car and we watch with joy as their ears flap in the wind – with kids, their windows are locked out because we’re worried about their eyes.
18. Dogs don’t try to negotiate terms with mom after being told no by dad. They just do it anyway.
19. Dogs can be adopted with a couple hundred bucks and an application. Kids take MUCH longer and require many more dollars.
20. Dogs will never use drugs or drink UNLESS their human is offering. With kids, we worry when it’s very quiet at 4:20pm or if they’re late coming home from their friends.
I love kids and realize the rewards of parenting far outweigh the negatives. That said, there are pros and cons to everything and in these areas, dogs are better than kids.